Ughhhhnnghhhh

I have my period.

It's like my vag is shooting a re-make of The Shining.

Shelley Duvall is still locked in the pantry. It's the ONLY way I can get her to eat.

***********

Mojo now has two speeds: Asleep & Destroy

There is no middle ground. I'm thinking of enlisting him in the Army to see if I can get them to do something with him. I think he could be classified as a weapon of mass destruction. He needs a drill sergeant immediately. At this point, I don't even think the Dog Whisperer could help him.

Speaking of Cesar, I'm sick of the "calm, assertive energy" B.S. Does Cesar have any advice for a woman who has raging hormones and who forgot to take her Prozac for a week? Because there is nothing calm about me. The only thing that could calm me down right now is maybe a Kit Kat. I'm the one that needs the Dog Whisperer. Mojo just needs Jesus.

******************

Me & Les watched this episode of Bridezillas where the bride, Brandi, was the most ghetto bride I'd ever seen.

She went to a wine tasting and asked what kind of wine went with fried chicken. She was at a salon getting a pedicure, and kept talking on the phone really loudly saying things like "This place is elegant. They be whisperin' and stuff. Ain't nobody talkin'." and then asked her fiancee to bring her fried chicken while she got her pedicure. She ate right in front of everybody, and then when her fiancee said something she didn't like, she turns to him and says "Why you gotta act like you ain't never been nowhere?"

Why indeed.

The best part, though? She asks a nail tech for a fake nail cause "I got some chicken stuck in my tooth." then she takes a fake nail and digs it out.

OH YES SHE DID, GIRL!

So, today, I went on the Internets looking for a YouTube clip so I could show you guys, and I couldn't find one. But there are a LOT of women talking about her on message boards. I found out that Brandi also requested a vagina on the groom's cake so that she could tell him "This is the last piece you'll ever have."

My jazz hand to Jesus, y'all!

There was also lots of talk about Dawn, another bride in the same episode as Brandi. Here is a post about her:

"OMG I said the same thing last nite. Lawd forgive me but Dawn need a Ike Turner shoe launched right in her mouth.

THis witch looked like she swallowed a Hoola Hoop and it ended up in her stomach and she talking about her fiance and bridesmaid weight. OMG!!

She was pure evil and I dare her say the producers edited her to look that way. Bullshit!

This season of Bridezilla has taught me, the only way im getting married is if Imma Loud Fat no class Goatee having Rude Bitch!

THese women disgust me seriously."

She need an Ike Turner shoe launched right in her mouth. ...... I think my heart just grew 3 sizes. I'm now going to Whoville to return all the presents that the PMS Grinch stole.

~