This Is What Constitutes for a Crazy Night Now That I'm in my 30's

Yesterday I felt great because I'd finally gotten some sleep. However, towards the end of the day I started feeling not-so-great again. By the time I got home I was really tired, and a few hours after being home I had a fever of 101.

I had to go to WalMart to get an exercise pen for Mojo that I'd had shipped site-to-store. I hate WalMart, so Angie agreed to come with me. By the time she picked me up my fever was 101.5. I felt woozy in the store and put weird things in my cart. I put the Ped Egg back before I checked out, at least. (But dear God do I want a Ped Egg!! It's the strangest urge) By the time I got home and sat down for a few minutes, my temperature was 102.5.

That's.. not good, right? I should rest. Right after I set up this dog pen in the backyard and drive stakes into the ground with a brick I found by my dad's back porch! Good idea, Cookie! (Seriously? I don't own a hammer?? I was as surprised as you.)

By the time I staggered back into the house from hammering stakes I was sort of delirious. The dog was screaming from the exercise pen in the front yard. I'm in the house, paranoid that my neighbors will get pissed, pouring sweat, and gagging. I tried to cool off by sitting in front of the fan and sipping water, and that worked.. until I projectile vomited all over my bathroom.

When the toilet lid is up, and projectile vomit hits it at 100 mph, it is never good. When you're sick, alone, and a dog is emitting constant ear-piercing yips in your front yard, it is even worse. The only time I ever want to get married is when I'm sick. I not only feel bad, I start getting emotional and whiny, and cry because I'll die an old lady that has a brood of fucking wiener dogs. Okay, well that last part is just here recently, but I digress.

I cleaned up the bathroom, took a shower, and went outside to rescue Mojo. He'd exhausted himself having his panic attack so he fell asleep, thank god. Only, I couldn't sleep, so I watched Bravo. All I remember is Slade's scarf.



Watching the whole thing may make you gag, so you can just check out the ridiculous clothes starting at 1:09 and ending around 1:35.

WHO could take that guy seriously wearing that scarf??? Not me!

Around 2am I took Mojo out again, and we're gonna need a flashback.

*begin wavy dream sequence*

My house is surrounded by really big trees, a perk of living in an old neighborhood. There are some huge pine trees, and a beautiful old water oak just to name a few. It's Peyton Place up in the trees, something I've noticed since I've been hanging outside more. Squirrel vs. Squirrel, Squirrel vs. Bird, come over sometime, it's cheaper than PPV.

A few weeks ago Leslie and I were outside and we heard an owl. It was the craziest thing to hear in my neighborhood. The 2nd craziest thing was that another owl answered back. I thought surely we were wrong... there are no owls in the 'hood, right?

*end wavy dream sequence*

Okay, so it's 2am, right? And I'm walking around outside with Mojo in the yard, and I hear this loud flapping. Fairly used to the noise (Peyton Place and all), I look up.

Perched on the gutter of my dad's house, looking down on me, is a motherfucking owl. It was SO BIG, YOU GUYS!

Now... maybe that's not scary to you. But the combo of being sick, 2am, and the surprise of seeing an owl scoping out your puppy like it's a snack... it scared the SHIT out of me.

WHAT IS NATURE DOING SO CLOSE TO THE GHETTO?? I live like 2 blocks from Studio 231! AND THERE IS AN OWL? Is it like Hedwig and it delivers weed or what??

A mutant owl, by the way! So big that I picked up my dog and RAN AWAY FROM IT.

Dudes.. I don't run! That's not something I do! BUT I RAN FROM THE OW-EL! That motherfucka did not have no tootsie pop. He wanted a Mojo pop! And maybe to eat my EYES!!!

I kept asking Mojo "Did you fucking see that???" but he acted totally bored. Way braver than I, that little frankfurter.

I tried to venture back out in the yard, clutching Moj, but all I could think about was that owl coming at me trying to steal my puppeh, and how I'd probably just scream and offer Mojo as a sacrifice to the Owl Monster for a good crop this season... so I just went inside.

This morning I felt much better (a sickness I only get when the sun goes down? I'm a werewolf! or a flu..wolf.. I tried.) so I took Moj out for some scamper time and took a stroll around the perimeter (hee!) to check things out. I noticed some bird feathers by Mojo's cage, and I thought that the owl had tried to steal my baby the night before, and no WONDER he was so scared and.. wait.. look at all those feathers over there.....

I walk over, and underneath the crape myrtle tree there are a ton of feathers. Some were in clumps. Feather clumps. All over. I looked up in the tree, and there were feathers hanging from leaves, branches... it was koo-koo crazy. I spent 45 minutes in my yard with Moj like we were in an episode of CSI or something.

My yard is like wild kingdom. Only $5 for the entrance fee, pay the valet at the end of the driveway. The valet looks just like a mailbox, you can't miss him.

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