Full Circle

I think I've talked about this before, but I read a self-help book sometime last year about break-ups. If you've broken up with someone, I've probably offered to let you read it, as it cheered me up substantially. Apparently, I reviewed it on Amazon.com in a unusually happy moment. (19 out of 27 people thought my review was helpful. screw you, 8 people!!).

Anyway, I logged in today to update my Wish List, and I noticed that I had a friend request pending. I was all excited.. someone loves me, yay! Well, it was someone who'd read my review of the book and wanted to be my friend. This is the email she sent with the friend request (edited only to remove phone number):

Hi,

I read your review online. If you need a Break-Up buddy, I'm availalbe for support. I'm am going thru a heart-wrenching, obsessive period in my life, too, because my ex dumped me. If you want to talk, my number is: 415-404-xxxx

Thanks,
Martha

No shit! I was so shocked. Let's pull apart Martha's email point by point, just like you would if you got it from someone you'd just broken up with.

Hi,

Not Hello, so not formal (good), but not Hey, which is casual and breezy (bad)

I read your review online.

Oh my god, she was totally thinking about me!! Does she miss me? Oh god, I miss her!!

If you need a Break-Up buddy, I'm availalble for support.

She wants to be there for me! But available for support? Like when I call Dell? This is cold, unfeeling. She hates me. She spelled available wrong. God I'm so glad I broke up with her, our children would have been morons. No wait.. Martha.. don't go..

Martha?...

I'm am going thru a heart-wrenching, obsessive period in my life, too, because my ex dumped me.

I'm am? You're am, really? So sorry. Oh god, I'm a bitch for saying that. No WONDER she broke up with me!! Thru. Like drive-thru. JUST LIKE OUR RELATIONSHIP! So fleeting..

Wait, heart-wrenching and obsessive? Wow did I admit that? Did I say I was obsessive? Oh god.. did I say that?! Now everyone KNOWS!!!

If you want to talk, my number is: 415-404-xxxx.

*If* I want to talk? What, are you saying you don't? I gave you the best minutes of my life, and you want to know IF I want to talk to you?!?! And you gave me your number?! Like I wouldn't KNOW IT because of all our LOVE (and stuff!)

(also note: Martha! Do NOT give your number to strangers on the internet! No! This is bad! Bad!)

Thanks,

Thanks? The final knife in the chest with your "thanks". No love.. No love indeed.

Well, that was fun. It's a nice little reminder that a year ago I was totally sobbing almost every minute of the day, and now I can at least make fun of myself for being a moron that way. I won't be emailing Martha back, or calling her, but if I did, this what I'd say.

Dear Martha,

Thanks for your email. It was so kind of you to offer to be there for me, a perfect stranger. At this point, I don't think I need a Break-Up Buddy any longer. I'm not saying I'm completely over the heartache of missing him, but are we ever?

It's a terrible thing to love someone who can't or won't love you back. It's awful to miss them. I know, Martha. I know. You want to call, but you can't, because your heartache has you bordering on psycho when the last time you looked you were a normal girl. You want to try to patch things up, to save the friendship, but that's gone, too.

Here's my advice, if it means anything: Let it go. Let him go, let the friendship go. The sooner you do, the better you will feel. There are other men out there, ones that make you laugh, ones that get your stupid jokes, ones that will put a crack in your headboard... You just gotta find them.

If we're on the phone talking about the men who are stupid enough to let us go, then we'll totally miss their calls. And I for one, am expecting a call from Vin Diesel.

Love,

The Cookie