Boo

I stayed home today because I had "female trouble". I felt really lame about staying home over it, but if you have the nerve, you can ask me what happened and I'll tell you. Otherwise, I'm thinking you just never need to know the details.

I can't stop watching Chiller. It's the new "all-horror-all-the-time" channel on DIRECTV. I can barely express how happy this channel makes me. Tales from the Crypt, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, B-Movies.. I mean, today they showed Creepshow 2 for land's sake! I hadn't seen that movie in ages, and it still made me want to buy a wooden indian for my porch and never go swimming in a lake again. They also showed Demon Seed, and right at 3pm, so all the kids getting out of school can watch Julie Christie get raped by her computer. Wheeee!

The best thing about Chiller is the commercials they show. The ones advertising the channel itself (hey, you're watching this already so I'm going to try to get you to ... watch it?) are the scariest thing they show. I try to name every movie they show a clip of, like a little trivia game. They keep telling me to "Dare to Watch" and that it's all horror, 24-hours a night. Instead of day, get it? So! Clever! I shouldn't like it, but I do.

Then.. they show commercials geared to the very elderly. Today I saw a commercial for this Life Alert thing, and you push a button and it "listens" for an intruder, and if it hears one, it says in a very loud, manly voice "YOUR PRESENCE HAS BEEN DETECTED BY LIFE ALERT. THE POLICE ARE ON THE WAY!"

And they're showing this commercial on a channel that shows nothing but programming geared to make you afraid and paranoid? I can't decide if it's a really bad idea, or if it's marketing genius. I also wonder what it would be like to work at a Life Alert call center in the middle of the night, and if there are raccoons and stray cats that have been traumatized for life because Manly Voice has scared them silly.

They also advertise a LOT of things for extra lights around the house where it is hard to see, which is what makes me think it's more genius than insanity.

However, there is another commercial for something called Ear Lifts. It's for women who have sagging earlobes from wearing heavy ear bobs their whole life. It's a little round circle you wear on the back of your earlobe that is supposed to "rejuvenate" your earlobe. They showed a very helpful diagram that illustrated just how that worked, and I tell you what, I *believed*. Plus, if you order now! You get a fast-drying hair towel/turban. AND! You get a compact that lights up when you open it and magnifies by 5x! I don't want anything on my body magnified by 5 times. Maybe that's the scary part?

I gotta go, Tales from the Crypt is coming on.