No Wonder He's Got Attitude

I think all pets should have back stories. My favorite back story on a pet is Leslie's cat, Juanita, who was a whore on the streets of Cuba until she came to the U.S. to have a better life. Now Juanita sits by the pool with her cigarillos and tells stories of her life on the streets of her beloved Cuba.

I was waiting for Mojo to tell me his story. I mean, you can't just make it up, it has to develop over time, you know? I really thought that Mojo was gonna be a gangsta rapper from the ATL. Maybe from the west coast (represent, yo). If you've seen Weeds, I thought of him a lot like U-Turn. He seems bad, he fronts like he's bad, he might even BE bad, but he's still probably scared of his mama.

I was so wrong.

Last night we were at Angie's doing emergency laundry, and while I was outside waiting for Mojo to go to the bathroom, he ate a snail. I didn't realize it, because I saw the snail but thought he wouldn't eat it because of the shell. He left the shell.... (excuse me while I gag)

I brought him in and noticed all this goo on his lips and gums. I got the WILLIES and started doing the "Ew! Ew, GROSS!" dance in Angie's kitchen. She brought me a towel, and I thought I would just wipe it off and go about my business.

Yeahhhhh... no.

Snail is REALLY sticky. It holds on, you guys. You could use it to caulk your bathroom. And it's the consistency of that Nickelodeon slime. Oh it's so disgusting. Mojo didn't like being held down and so I had to get Angie to come help me. She held him down while I wiped all the snail off of his lips, gums, & teeth. IT WAS IN HIS TEETH! Ewwwwwwwwww~

Once we were done - and it took longer than you would think - Angie told me to put the towel by the bedroom door and she'd take it back to the laundry. Lyla kept getting the towel and dragging it back over to Mojo, saying "ewwwwwwww! ewwwwwww! ewwwww!" While this was hilarious, it was also UNSANITARY!

Lyla got snail all over her fingers.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!

Angie said I had to buy her 2 Christmas presents this year because she helped me deal with snail. I think I got off easy.

This morning, Angie came into my office and said "Mojo is French." and I'm like "What...?" and she goes "He's French, he eats escargot."

Holy shit you guys. I bought a French dog. No WONDER he's an asshole sometimes! He's fucking FRENCH!

Beret, striped turtleneck, cigarette.... I can see it all now. That little shit better make me some dessert. And I am NOT watching his movies NOR will I buy him any sort of fancy espresso maker. I cannot believe this.

************

Last night I was walking Frenchie and fell down and hurt my knee.

It hurts a lot.

Sympathy would be appreciated, after you stop laughing.

Or flowers.

Or rubies....

~