Dear Celebrity, I'm Mean. Love, Cookie

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Yeah, hi.

Yes, high-school and college-age people love The Dane Cook. Even *I* love him. (though I'm pretty sure he's bought into his own hype which makes me one sad kitten) I'm sure he was really fun to work with! And I bet you had SOOOO much FUN on the set! Maybe you were Like A Family. I bet You Couldn't Wait To Get To Work Everyday, even.

But let me just give it to you straight.

As far as I'm concerned (and I'm sure you ARE concerned about what I think and read my blog everyday and write in your diary about it. (you know.. the one with the unicorns on the cover?)) you could not be cool if you were dipped in water, put in a deep freeze, and that deep freeze was fed-ex'd to the North Pole. Of course, this is where you are fated to end up, Jessica. You'll be the voice of the Flirty Girl Penguin in a Very Special Christmas Movie Of Some Kind.

Because penguins, like you, are so over.

So please, stop being in movies I might normally go see.

Love,
Cookie

P.S. If you're gonna pick a cool-guy celebrity to be in a movie with so that you look cool in comparison, you should've gone with Ryan Reynolds.