Reminiscence

A friend of mine and I were talking today about men we admire. (You know.. crushes.) She brought up a (short lived) crush she had on Henry Rollins. This brought to mind a time that I would sit in my room reading Black Coffee Blues wondering if I'd ever get to kiss a guy like Henry Rollins. (not so far)

She told me something that sort of ruined my image of him. Not in a terrible way, just in a "oh he's human and kind of an asshole" way. I asked her not to ruin my image of Leonard Cohen.

Then lo and behold, if I don't run across "Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man" on Sundance. Oh, how it made me remember.

I first heard Leonard Cohen on the soundtrack of a Christian Slater movie called "Pump Up the Volume". I think I watched that movie about a hundredteen times, and I'm sure I thought it was totally deep. All I know is it had music that I'd never heard of, and I loved all of it. I especially loved "Everybody Knows" by Leonard Cohen. I was transfixed by his voice, and shivers that it caused. I wanted to know more about That Guy.

So, I did the best I could finding out about That Guy before you could just Google it. I went to the mall and trolled around the music store. I bought a CD. I read the CD liner notes until they became as familiar as the scriptures read in my church on Sunday morning. I lay in the floor in my bedroom and marinated in the music. Oh, and I made everyone.. everyone! that got near me listen to it. My friends would pile in my car and I'd hold them hostage there, forcing them to listen to My New Favorite Song and waiting for someone, anyone, to get the same thing I got when I listened to it. There isn't much greater than falling in love with a new song.

Eventually, I ran into another fan of Leonard Cohen. He was a pastor at the church that I went to, and I don't remember how we became friendly, but we did. He loved music, and we would sit around and talk about it for hours. His office was in the basement, and I'd knock shyly on the door, always to be greeted warmly, and sit on his squeaky leather couch. He'd talk and I'd listen and gaze at all his books. Who was this fascinating man? He was so cool. Man, I wish he was MY dad. I told him so, many times. I spent more and more time in that basement office. On his request, I ordered him a copy of Stranger Music by Leonard Cohen when I ordered a copy of my own. When he came in to purchase it, he paid with a $100 bill and he let me keep the change because I was somewhere around 19 and therefore completely broke.

I hung out with his daughters, his wife, and one day when I noticed he looked really sad, I asked him if something was wrong. He confessed that his wife didn't understand him, that maybe she didn't even love him anymore. His daughters ignored him, and he didn't feel loved by anyone. And there I was, 19 years old, staring at him with complete and total worship. I even started make college plans around where he would be. I didn't tell him, but he was definitely a factor in my decisions. It wasn't until a friend knocked some sense into me that I realized I couldn't live my life for him.

I can't say that I was in love with him, but I did love him. I loved him so fiercely that I think I would've done anything for him. Unfortunately, or.. fortunately, I guess, I started to notice some of his behavior towards a girl in our youth group to be a little different. I actually think it was her behavior I noticed first, and in my very blunt way, I asked her flat out one night if she was in love with him. The answer was a resounding no. However, in talking with her we started to share stories, and we bonded. I think if we hadn't had each other during this time, maybe things would've gone very badly with this pastor. I'm not saying for sure, but all the elements where there to start a fire, and all that was missing was a spark.

I ended up leaving that church. The pastor was very upset when I did. I was so confused and upset at the time. He was reading me all these scriptures about how the church was not supposed to be separated. At the time, I'd just been reacquainted with my faith, I guess you could say. He certainly knew the bible better than I did. I didn't understand why I couldn't go to another church if the church was a whole body of people and not just a building. I was just going to another building, was all. He followed me out in the hallway and wanted to pray with me. I remember him praying that God would show me that I was supposed to stay there, and that my place was there, etc. I was so torn up, and all I knew to pray was that somehow God would show me what to do, and that no matter what it was that I would do it. Then that pastor asked me to come down into his office so that we could talk some more. I remember at that very moment feeling like I wanted to run. So.. I pretty much did. I didn't go back.

I quit listening to Leonard Cohen after that. I lost my copy of Stranger Music. I stopped trying to find out if he was putting out anything new. It wasn't until years later that I ran across something about him online that I fell in love with him all over again. It wasn't until tonight, when I saw this documentary, that I realized I didn't have any negative feelings toward that pastor anymore.

Does reclaiming things lost to us in connection to a painful memory mean that we've completed the process of healing? Or is it just a mile marker?

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