The One Where I Complain How Fucking Hot It Is

This weekend it got so hot that I had to take extreme measures to stay cool. My house is old, and I rely on 2 window units to stay cool. The one in the bedroom was there when we moved in, and with a lot of fans it was hardly bearable our first summer. My best friend Angie gave me a 2nd unit (with no braces to hold it up on the outside, so it leans, but I could care less) and we put that in the living room. Ah, blessed cold. We loved her all last summer when we opened the front door and felt that first breeze of cool air.

This summer, however, the one in the bedroom barely blows out air. It's cold! But unless you are standing directly in front of it, you don't really feel it. I can feel the difference if it's off, but it seems like some magical a/c mojo. Once you're 6 inches away from the vent you don't feel the air blowing. It's seeping cold air. The unit in the living room rocks, and it blows out a lot of air. But.. it's not really *cold* air. I finally figured out that it was so hot outside it wasn't ever turning off, and I think.. freezing up on the inside.

So I have one that's cold but seeps air, and one that rushes out air that isn't really cold. (if anyone has tips, please oh please tell me)

Saturday I hung out with my friend Sonya and we came back to my house and hung out and watched "Diary of Mad Black Woman". When she left, it was sticky-hot, and not getting any better. I took a cold shower, which helped a little but not a lot. I turned off my air conditioners and let them rest, covered the thin curtain on the front door (which is half glass) with a blanket, and sat in front of the fan. Yes, I know hanging a blanket over a window is bad, but I don't care. It makes it so much more bearable. I'd hang Nascar-themed curtains up at this point if it made my house cooler.

Saturday night I had to take another cold shower again before I went to bed, and slept in front of the fan. Sunday it was a little better, as long as you didn't move much or let anything at all touch your skin. I was dreading yesterday because it was supposed to be the hottest day of the year and my house actually felt somewhat cool last night. The cool comes at a little bit of a price since I can't bring myself to cook anything, and I don't even turn on the lights. If it generates heat, I'm not having it. (It's too dark to read! Oh, Harry Potter!) This afternoon during lunch I went home and it was so miserable that I couldn't wait to go back to work.

I couldn't wait. To go back to WORK.

What makes it worse is that at work I sit next to two 10 foot windows, and though I have blinds it doesn't help. It can get so hot by my desk. When I'm in my car, the air works, but it only starts to cool me off right when I pull in my driveway. It all ends when I open the door to the suffocating heat.

I'm so hot that I can't even make any of this funny, y'all. If anyone has any tips that don't cost much money to keep me cool during the month of August, you win a prize. I don't know what the prize is, but I'll think of one when my brain isn't baking inside my noggin. Right now I'm considering buying fans to create some sort of weird wind tunnel in my house.

Why did I want to move home to Alabama? Why?