Nightmares

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I fell asleep late and then woke up early in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep until about 8:45, which is 45 minutes before I have to get up and get ready for church. I rolled over and called my best friend and told her to tell me to get up. She, being my best friend and recognizing I had gotten little sleep, told me I didn't have to. Last week on Saturday & Sunday I was sick, so I didn't go to church then either. (This is part of the story, I'm not just trying to bore you to death..)

I spent a few hours laying in bed talking to Angie and watching Real World while she told me who everyone was and rated them so I'd know who was cool and who was not. Then we watched some of Staying Alive. (Another movie I'm ashamed of.)

I couldn't get motivated to get dressed, but I did shower and put my pj's back on. I felt not-right all day. I felt weird and lazy and like a heathen that never went to church. Alex came over to get some mail and he dragged a fan out of the garage for me. I cleaned it and set it up in my house so I can experience a little something called "airflow".

Sunday night I fell asleep and began having nightmares. And I don't mean bad dreams. I mean, nightmares. The kind where you wake up scared like you did when you were a little kid. The worst of them was the last one. I woke up this morning when my alarm went off almost crying.

The gist of it all is the beast within, a werewolf, that I was told I had been turned into and could feel. But the beast was destroying the world. It was ruining it, and darkness was coming faster than anyone could prepare for. I could feel the rage as the beast started to consume me, and was terrified of hurting those I loved. Others, those that didn't know me, were avoiding me. They knew I was contaminated. I sent my friends away to safety, to get them away from me before the beast became so active that he hurt people. Alex came by to check on me (thanks, Al) and I sent him away, too. I was scared for his safety and so afraid that he would not make the trip to safety alone, now that I couldn't be with him.

The world kept growing darker, there was panic, the dead walked the earth. Angie came by, and in her Angie way, decided she didn't care if someone said I had the beast inside or not, that SHE knew I wasn't going to hurt her, and oooh I'd better not or else she would kick my ass. I was terrified that I'd hurt her, but she kept packing my things to take me away from the camp the contaminated were preparing. I couldn't feel the beast inside anymore, I felt calm, but was afraid it was a lie. I was afraid the beast would show and I wouldn't be able to control it taking me over and hurting her or someone else. My friends were being attacked, and I knew it. I frantically dialed Alex's cell phone number to warn him but I kept dialing the wrong number in my fear.

I woke up, terrified and near tears. I'm still not able to get that world out of my head. The bleakness, the fear, and the abandonment. Everything was so dark, and there was no hope. I remain terrified that it was some terrible omen from God that I can never be forgiven for the things I've done, that my changing is not coming fast enough and I am being taken over by something dark. That no one can save me from what I'm becoming, and that it's bad, and I'll lose everyone by sending them away. That it was this last shout out from God telling me that I was in fact, Damned.

I can see the sun shining today after the storm and it seems foreign to me. I hate these dreams. I hate that I can live normally for months and then the dreams come again. They consume me so completely that I fear sleep. And even more, I fear waking up, with that dream still inside me polluting my sanity and my hope that one day I'll get better.

What am I doing wrong? How do I fix where I've gone wrong? Is God letting me go, giving up on me? What did that dream mean? Did it mean anything at all, or was it the storm outside the window causing my psyche to give me bad dreams? Did I dream about werewolves and zombies because that's what scares me the most, and nothing more? Am I really damned?

I wish I knew.