Just lately

This is the first time in my life that I've ever been on my own and alone. I went from living with my dad, to my sister, Alex's parents, Alex, and now just me. I gotta say, it's actually kind of nice. I feel like I'm waking up after a really long nap and I've started to notice things around me for the first time. I think the fog of depression is lifting. I'm starting to feel like me again.

I got a promotion and a raise at work. I know! What are they thinking? Nobody tell them, okay? Cause they're all thinking I'm great and let's not ruin it.

I paid my bills when they came. That's right.. I didn't put them off. They came, and I paid them. With my money that I made from my job where everyone mysteriously likes me.

I'm talking to people I haven't talked to in a while. My mentor Denise and I are playing phone tag, and she leaves the most long-winded (and delightfully quirky) answering machine messages ever. My pal Steph called me from her bubble bath last night. Dee & Tony took me out to dinner, I borrowed movies (mainly from Tony), and sat on their comfy couch. (that couch is amazing.. AMAZING)

I am always on the phone with my best friends, Angie and Josh. Angie cooks for me and we watch tv. She lets me lay my head in her lap and cry and she pets me and tells me it'll be okay. We have deep conversations about life and loss, or silly ones about running away and becoming Fake-Lesbians when her husband dies. (We're totally gonna take a gay cruise, y'all. I bet she gets more phone numbers than me.) Josh calls me at work and makes me have to cover my mouth so no one hears me snorting and laughing. He talks to me until I fall asleep when I'm scared at night. He is my Josh-shaped friend and promises to be a man-servant to Angie and I when we're F.L.'s.

I started going back to church, hanging out with my sister more, and I made a new friend at work. I still talk and joke with my soon-to-be ex-husband. For the first time in a while, I kinda feel.. hopeful. And good. And I think maybe.. happy.

Of course, the Eeyore inside me says it's gonna come crashing down soon.

I'm trying not to listen. I'm trying to believe that even through terrible things can come good. That if we try, and we keep going, that eventually we get out of the woods and find a little stream that we can follow (hopefully to civilization). Today? It is a good day. It is the first day in a long while that I do not want to die.