No, Really. Fuck You.

It's amazing how something someone says to you when you are young stays with you into adulthood. Especially when the something they tell you is a lie, and you walk around believing it for years. YEARS, people. I had a moment of revelation about something one of my teachers said to me when I was 17 years old. I trusted her, I believed her. And because I did, for 11 years I've been walking around wounded. My self-esteem took a blow that day that I do not know if I can recover from. I mean, it took me 11 years to figure out that what she said was .. terribly wrong. And? It was mean.

Last night I was talking to Angie about these guys that came into the store where she works. They were rating girls. "She's a 2." "She's a hot 5." And okay, if you're a hot 5, then doesn't that make you like.. a 6? I don't understand men. Innyway, Angie said the girls they were rating so low she thought were really cute. She said "I was so nervous, I didn't want them to rate me!" and I opened my mouth to say "Oh, they don't even see you"

I stopped short because I don't think that about Angie. I think Angie is key-ute. So I thought "Self, why would you say something so awful?" and Self said "Because that's what Mrs. Day said, remember?" Why yes, Self. I do remember.

When I was 17 I was in a class called "Emotional Conflict". And by the way, it was the best class ever and I learned so much in there. I also made some really cool friends that year, cause there were only about 7 of us. Not many at my high school that were emotionally conflicted, I guess. Heh. We all sat in there and talked, it was like therapy. Mrs. Day was our teacher and I've always held her in .. well, if not high esteem, I've always felt that deep down she loved us. She was there for me when I desperately needed an adult. Basically, my Sophmore year, I fell apart during school. I had some breakdown that involved me not speaking, eyes glazed over, and unresponsive. I scared my driver's Ed teacher to death and he went to get Mrs. Day, who was the special education teacher. I'd rather not go into it, but Mrs. Day helped me that day, and after that I sort of worshipped her.

One day during emotional conflict class, I was upset about .. well, boys. I felt no one loved me. You know how you can be at that age. I started talking to her about being a girl, and also, being an overweight girl. She sat me down in a chair, and she told me the following:

"Melanie, the fact is, you could meet your prince charming right now and he wouldn't even *see* you. Guys just don't notice girls that are overweight. Until you lose weight, men are never going to give you any attention."

And I fucking.. believed her. I believed her so completely that years later I *still* go by that mantra. I am not seen. I am not on the radar. No man could ever be attracted to me. They don't even see me! I can say whatever I want to men, because it doesn't matter. To them, I will always be a friend. That is, if they even notice me at all.

There I go, getting emotional. So, to be continued in tomorrow's blog.....