Gossip. Dirty, dirty Gossip.

Don't read this if you are easily offended, or if you want to keep believing that I'm a good person. Cause, in this story, I'm not.

Last night I went to dinner with my friends Joey and Angie. Joey and I have been friends since I was 12 and he was 10, and I introduced him to Angie, who was his first girlfriend when he was about 13. So, needless to say, when we get together, it's like 13 going on 30. We laugh about the stupidest things for hours. (like a taco) Our jokes never get tired, no matter how many times we say them. Joey, to me, is the epitome of the little brother. He's rail thin, big blue eyes, sweet down to the core, and so. freaking. thoughtful. We hung out all afternoon Sunday. Do you know what he did Sunday night? He called me before he headed up to his girlfriends house and told me "I just wanted to call to let you know how much fun I had with you this afternoon. You make me laugh more than anyone I've ever met. I love hanging out with you, Cookie."

*sniff*

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

I love when he blows smoke up my ass like that.

The first call from his girlfriend came around 8:30 last night. He ignored it, because he was with me and Angie, and we're his favorites. He'd told us before that she told him "I'm not waiting up on you all night waiting for you to call." We hang out for a while, and then we head to Villa Fiesta.

Once we're at Villa, his phone rings again. He looks at it. I said "Is it her?" and he nodded. He doesn't answer. She calls again, immediately. He doesn't answer. We order food, we're sitting around laughing.... she calls again. And then again.

And then again.

We inform him at this point that we're afraid.

We finish eating and go back to my house and sit on my porch, smoking. She calls again. Angie and I give him the talk. We tell him the secret. That all girls know "the rules" of when you should talk to a guy, and when you shouldn't, and why you should call and how many times. She knows the rules.. she's breaking them. On purpose. Joey listens with wide eyes. Then he says:

J: She wants me to hurt her.
C: Wha?
J: You know...
C/A: OohhoooOOOOOHHHHH!
J: Yeah.
C: Oooo! Like how?
J: Well, like.. she starts fighting me, and then when I stop, she tells me not to, and that she wants me to hurt her.
C/A: *giggle uncontrollably, because we can't imagine Joey hurting anything or anyone*
J: She wants me to choke her. That's the only way she can.. you know.
C/A: *tee-hee's*
J: I mean, everyone likes it rough sometimes, but everytime? I don't know.
C: Oh.. one of those. Hee hee hee.. Joey this is not the right girl for you.
J: The other night, she wanted me to hit her.

*C/A immediately pretend ignorance*

C: *gasp* Hit her?
A: *gasp, a la "I've never heard of such a thing!*
J: Yeah, she was like "Hit me!"
C: *manical laughter* What'd you do?
J: I said "Where?"
C/A: *more laughter*
C: What'd she SAY?
J: She said "Anywhere!"
C/A: *BWAAHH HA HA HA HA*
C: So, what'd you do?
J: I hit her.
C: YOU DID?
J: Yeah! She told me to!
C: Where'd you hit her?
J: In the side?
C/A: *die laughing. we're dead*
C: In the SIDE? That? Is NOT sexy, Joey.
J: Well I didn't know! I was already pulling her hair so hard it was coming out in my hands.
C/A: *demonstrate to Joey exactly where to pull a girls hair during sexual activity. back of the neck, Joe.. back of the neck*
J: I didn't know that.
C: Duh, Joey.
C/A: *do a skit re-enacting Joey punching some girl in the side*
All: *laughing*
C: I'm blogging this tomorrow. It's gonna be all over the internet.
J: *manly giggle*
C: I'm serious. I'm blogging it.

*the phone of doom rings*

C: Fear her.

We went back inside, and sat on the couch watching That 70's Show. She called again. Poor Joey, he was so afraid that I couldn't help but stop laughing and start feeling sorry for him.

They've only been dating a MONTH. A. MONTH. And she tells him she knows he's going out and she's not waiting up for him to call, and then calls a hundredteen times.

Today? Today was the best, though. I told one of my friends about it at work. I won't say which one cause she'd be embarrassed to be on the internet saying this. But I tell her about Joey trying to punch some girl in the SIDE, and the choking. We talked about the choking so long it kept getting funnier and funnier. We're sitting here laughing so hard we're almost crying.

Her: Can't he just say like *dissolves into hysterics*
Me: What? Whaaaat?!
Her: Can't he.. *hysterics*
Me: *hysterics*
Her: *HYSTERICS*
Me: You gotta tell me now!
Her: Can't he just be all "Instead of chok...* *more hysterics*
Me: WHHhHHAAAAT?
Her: Instead of choking you, can't I just cum in your face or something?

Us: *dead. we are dead from the laughing*