Oh Christmas Tree

Sunday I had to get up and go to Suzie's to meet her and dad so we could eat at Beans & Greens. While we were there, my dad wrapped up ham in a napkin and put it in his jacket pocket for later. (Yeah, I know.) We were talking about movies.

Suzie: Dad have you seen that movie with Tom Cruise and the little round thingies that tell him when a murder is about to be committed?
Dad: No, can't say that I have.
Suzie: I think you'd like it. It's called... Minority Report.
Dad: Tom Cruise has gotten weird lately.
Me: Tom Cruise has lost his fucking mind.
Dad: *snort*
Suzie: Me-la-nie.
Me: Sorry, he's lost his *freaking* mind.
Suzie: *mouths to me when dad isn't looking* Don't say fuck in front of dad!

So we were leaving, and I ask my sister if she wants to go to K-Mart with me so I can get a little table-top tree with some decorations, and she agrees.

Suzie: Dad, you wanna go to K-Mart and maybe Wal-Mart with us?
Dad: I don't know...
Suzie: Come on, dad! It's not like you have anything ELSE to do!
Dad: Hey! I might have something else to do, you don't know!
We: *hee*
Dad: In fact, I have plans later today.
Me: Sure you do, dad.
Dad: Anyway, I need to get home. My ham might spoil.
Me: *hysterics. I couldn't drive, which cracked my dad up, too*

We took dad home and went to K-Mart where I found tacky garland that I fell in love with and decided to theme my entire tree around. I got tacky ribbon, too. But Suzie told me I could get a better fake tree at Wal-Mart. I didn't want to go to Wal-Mart, but I gave in. Well, we get to Wal-Mart, and are there better trees? NO! Suzie felt guilty for giving me bad advice. I got a tree anyway, and some lights.

Suzie: Let's go to Lowe's.
Me: No!
Suzie: Come on, it's right down the road.
Me: I am not going to Lowe's.
Suzie: I'll make you a deal. If we go to Lowe's, and there is a better tree, I'll bring this tree back for you and get your money back.
Me: My ham might spoil.

So we go to Lowe's, cause apparantly only my dad can get away with that excuse. Are there cool fake trees? NO!!!! So we go outside to look at real trees. They are half-off.

Me: I don't want a real tree. This is crazy! Why am I here?
Suzie: This one is nice.
Me: *browses* Hmm, I like this one. It speaks to me.
Suzie: *calls the guy over* She wants this tree. It speaks to her.

I don't know why she tells strangers things that make me sound crazy. And then I was stuck with a damn real tree. THEN I had to buy a Christmas tree stand, wait for the guy to tie the tree to my car.... I kept saying "What did I just do?"

We got home, and we were dragging the tree inside, and Suzie said "Are you mad at me for making you do all this?" and I said "No, of course not."

30 minutes later, sawing off limbs with a kitchen knife...

"Hey, remember when I said I wasn't mad? I take it back, I hate you."

We FINALLY go the tree stand together, that thing was a bitch and a half, got the limbs sawed off with my now ruined kitchen knife, and standing up in my living room. It was slightly leaning but I didn't give a fuck. (I mean, I didn't give a freak.) The only thing that saved us was that I had "Best in Show" playing in the DVD player and we kept laughing at it between cussing blue streaks. We got the lights on, the garland untangled, and the ribbon on the tree before I realized I didn't buy ornament hangers. I drove Suzie home and she couldn't find her extras, but she took my tree back, came by my house and brought me my money and some brand new hangers.

My tacky tree is gorgeous.

And my family is so great.