Dear Vin Diesel

I just saw a trailer for a Disney movie staring Dewayne "The Rock" Johnson. Vin! Why am I seeing Gridiron playing on Starz every single day, and a new movie with The Rock stealing your Pacifier schtick, and WHY AREN'T YOU IN HITMAN?

You aren't in HITMAN? Come ON! Vin, that dude from Deadwood stole your part. Why did you let him do that to you, baby?? I know it might not be the greatest movie, but it's not like you're in great movies anyway, so what the hell? I love you. Pitch Black was really good. And remember when you were in Saving Private Ryan? I remember. I know you've got the potential, but you've GOT to make good choices. Do you want The Rock to take your place? Do you want Kelly from The Girl Next Door (he was so awesome in that movie, wasn't he?) to be the Next! New! Action Hero!

Well? DO YOU??

Cause what are you doing? Scouting locations for Hannibal the Conqueror?? Vin, I worry about this. I love you, and I worry. But if you wear some sort of animal skin that leaves you half covered, I will feel much better about the whole thing.

See, I just worry, because yes.. okay.. I know how you love your sci-fi/fantasy genre, and so do I! So do I! It's why I love you. But baby, come on. You had a cameo in Toyko Drift. You did "Find Me Guilty". You went on talk shows and gave the same interview... over... and over.. and over again. I know you're trying to find your voice. I get it. But in the meantime, people are forgetting that you are SO FRAKKING AWESOME. (see how I used frak as a shout-out to my love of sci-fi, therefore proving that we are so meant to BE??)


But the main reason for my letter to you today? Is this.




Vin? Baby? Did I just see what I think I saw? Are you squaring off in an action movie against GERARD FUCKING DEPARDIEU???

*pant/wheeze*

Did I see a tiger? Is there going to be a tiger? Vin! I'm concerned! Please don't do XXX stunts. Please don't. I forgave you for that, because sometimes people make mistakes. And I hate to be picky but you have SO done the big coat thing. Why do you keep wearing big coats? Are you cold? Remember that hideous mistake of a coat you wore in XXX? With the shag carpet collar? Oh, and remember in A Man Apart when you wore the big Michelin Man type coat, even though you were in California? No more big coats. If you're cold, I have plenty of *very inventive* ways to keep you warm.

Now put your animal skins on and come by my house later so we can talk this through.

Gerard Depardieu, my ass.

~