Black Hole Blog

School starts August 31st, and if anyone would like to see my face, now is the time. I'll be working 8-5 and going to school M-Th from 6:15 - 9:15 at night, with a 30 minute commute back and forth from campus. On Sunday, I may be continuing my work study, for extra money (it'll pay for a weeks worth of gas, maaaaybe) and time to work on my homework and art projects. OR, I might not do it so I can go to church. Which is more important, money, or peace of mind? Will money give me peace of mind? Maybe I can talk them into every other Sunday. Meh, I can't make up my mind.

I think we started the divorce papers. Communication is not our strongest suit, and I never know what's going on. This part is yuck, and to anyone who says it's not, to you I say "Fuck you" and I mean that with all my heart. From me to you, with kisses. I am fucking allowed to be sad about my divorce if I want to be, and I don't feel like being healthy or happy right now so bleaaaahhhchhhh!

I've been having nightmares, and when I wake up I'm either scared or uneasy. At night, I just want to curl up on the couch or in bed and lay there waiting for night to come so I can sleep and forget the day. I want this time of my life to be over. I want to be so busy I can't think. I want to escape from what is lurking in my mind so badly I'm thinking of taking sleeping pills every day at 5:30pm and just sleeping through it. .... That's what brave people do, right?

I have menstrual cramps. But the kind you get in your back. So like.. I can't decide if that's good news or bad news. I'm going to say good. I need good.

Work is good, except for my bi-weekly trips to the office bathroom where I go to sob like a little girl. I'm hoping this has to do with PMS and I will be okay again in the next few days because I am so unhappy right now that I really don't want to leave my bed, much less my house. Is that hopeful? Cause I'm trying to do that.

In totally other news, where parts of my life still surprise and sometimes elate me... I got a dozen pink roses this weekend. Heh. I know. Those happy pink rose-faces help me get out of bed in the morning. Thank you, Josh. You are my best friend. Oh, I'm gonna cry again.