Bitch, Bitch, Bitch

Bitch #1

My tooth hurts. As a person that has no dental insurance this scares me on a level I can't describe. I also have a lie bump on my tongue. So, I'm having a hard time talking on the phone. Everything I say comes out slower and lazier than normal... I mean, I'm already Southern.. and now I have this weird little half-lisp. When I leave people voicemails I'm sure I sound like Ellie May Retardth. It annoys me.

Bitch #2

Dear Drive-Thru Person,

Could you please give me time to put my money away before you give me my drink and/or food? I'm not trying to place it neatly in my wallet and file my receipt away (under "P" for Popeye's) or anything. I just want time to fold it over once and put it in my pocket. When you hand me my change and then lean out the window with my drink staring at me with a mixture of contempt and impatience, it makes me nervous. Also, when I ask for ketchup? If you could *not* hand me my receipt, change, 87 packets of ketchup, slam it into my hand with the force of 400 angry black women, and when my pocket change scatters to the wind utter an unconvincing "Sorry."? That would be great!

Now, I know that much of your day is spent like this:

Honey, now what did you say my total was?

$5.47

Well my goodness, I remember when you could get a week's worth of groceries for that much!

Yes ma'am.

Okay, here is my five.. I know I have change...

.......

Here's a quarter..

.......

I want to get rid of some of this, can I give you 5 nickels instead of a quarter?

Yes ma'am

Okay.. 1.. 2.. 3.. how much did you say again?

47 cents.

Here we go.. oh no, wait. That's not a nickel, that's a button. My grandbaby popped a button off his little suit at church and I just said "Now you give me that and I'll make sure I sew it right back on for him!"

Yes ma'am.

Now is that 47 cents, hon?

Yes ma'am.

Alright now, you have a nice day.. bye bye!

Right? Cause I know that happens. I worked retail, and I *know* how many buttons I got as nickels or pennies. I know how many stories I heard about lost buttons and earring backs. But my point IS, if you could PLEASE just give me 3-5 SECONDS to put my money in my pocket without acting like I'm the slowest bitch in the world, staring me down like a bull that's about to start chasing me down the streets in Pamplona I would really fucking appreciate it!!!!!

Looooooove,
Cookie

Bitch #3

I hate money.


The End.