Bad Blog Rising

I haven't been blogging lately, and I am sure the world is suffering because of it. Let's just pretend it's because I am totally mysterious and busy, and I have all these really important things to do that involve a stick of butter, a plastic tarp, and a bottle of Jose Cuervo. And Vin Diesel.

A side note: Vin. What is your problem? Okay, I know a few weeks ago that I said that Seth Green was taking your place. You know I didn't mean it, baby. (Dear Seth, I totally did. Love, Cookie) You know I loooove you. You're the *one*. The love of my life. Now stop being coy, because they keep showing Walking Tall on Showtime and you don't want The Rock to take your place, now do you?

This weekend I watched a lot of Bravo. I didn't actually *watch* it so much as it was just on in the background. They kept showing these two commercials that flipped me out.

One was for the Ionic Breeze from Sharper Image. It was weird because the man talking in the commercial must've been the creator/CEO/Ionic Breeze Guy... but he was also holding this baby. He never referenced the baby in the commercial. He never said "Oh and by the way, here's a baby, Ionic Breezes make your baby happy, SEE?!" Plus, they only showed the baby from the head up, so it was like this weird floating baby head at the bottom of the screen.

Also... the baby was cross-eyed.

Hey. Don't look at me like that. I can't help it if I happened to notice that Floating Baby Head was also cross-eyed. Maybe if they would've shown the ENTIRE baby it wouldn't have been so noticeable. What made it WORSE is that I couldn't stop looking at the Floating Cross-Eyed Baby Head and then I noticed? She was wearing a bow. For some reason that made it worse to me. She is gonna be so mad when she gets older and she realizes she was this totally weird Floating Cross-Eyed Baby Girl Head of Doom while her dad prattles on and on about the Ionic Breeze.

Those things make your baby cross-eyed, you know.


The second commercial was for Andrea Bocelli, this Italian blind singer dude. The commercials kept showing him singing (yes, beautiful voice. I saw you on American Idol, hi! You didn't see me. ha! sorry, God.) and then they showed these magnificent sunsets, couples riding down the beach on horses (wait, is this a herpes commercial?) a couple sipping wine by the fire, etc, etc. They just kept going on and on about how he was the master of love songs while this Barbara-Walters-soft-lens montage plays for us.

And then, they said, in that same soft voiceover...

"It makes a perfect gift for Father's Day."

And I, from my living room yell back....

"Yeah! If he's GAY!"


My sensitivity training starts next week.