Kellie Blog

I like to blog things about my friends, stories, random text messages, etc. My friends, I am certain, are the funniest people on planet earth. The other day my friend Kell was cleaning off her computer and ran across a Word document where she had listed some of our quotes. We obviously think we're funny enough to save the little snippets that make us laugh into a Word document for.. posterity?

The thing about Kell.. she has the ability to make the most idiotic thing I say or do seem cool. It's a magical thing, really. She can take my debilitating lameness and find a way to spin it for me so that when I lay in bed at night my life seems like a rock star's. Kell is my own personal PR person.

(I must interrupt this blog to note that just now, while I was typing, Celeste came into my office. She put in my iPod headphones and tapped it in the universal "I'm-Not-A-Techie-Make-This-Work" gesture. I shuffled and much to her delight we started with some Janis Joplin. I'm not even gonna tell you how funny it was to watch her dance and mime Janis. I sat here in silence while she got down with her bad self. What would life be like without these people? It'd be like hospital food, that's what. No flavor.)

Innyway, so back to Kellie. She emailed me a lot of little funny things we'd written, but my favorite so far as I sift through them are the quotes. Some of them don't make sense out of context but they still remind me of my favorite thing about Kell. That when I'm with her, I have the ability to look at life in a new way. That my life always seems a little cooler, problems seem a little more ridiculous and easier to handle, and the world just takes on a little bit of a rosier glow. I love her for that.

The Quotes

"My fictional pretend internet boyfriend wants to kill my real pretend lesbian girlfriend's non-fictional pretend internet boyfriend."

I don't know what that means. All I know is that it represents the massacre that happens when Kellie and I play any sort of online game together. And that Kellie is my real pretend lesbian girlfriend. 4-ever


"Dirty minds think alike."

I still say that all the time. I don't know which one of us said it, but it's still in the rotation.


"We're the coolest pretend internet lesbians ever."

Oh my god, we totally ARE!!


"I’m not ashamed to be lame. That’s what makes me cool."

I'm pretty sure it was me that said that, because Kell wouldn't admit to being lame, EVER. It doesn't matter what she does, to her it's the coolest thing ever, and anyone NOT doing it is totally stupid. Unless I don't do it, and then that's okay because I'm special.


"God made water into wine, but he never turned a pork chop into sex."

That is an Angie Quote, but since it is so awesome I think we added it so we wouldn't forget it. But I will never forget that, because with those simple words, Angie lifted some major heartbreak over losing a friendship off my shoulders. Cause that's how she rolls.


"If wishes were dreams, I'd be having lesbian sex right now."

True that, man.


"I inspire people."

I am almost positive that the reason this is on here is because one of us said it at the perfect comedic moment and therefore it made us laugh so hard we peed a little. Also, I just like interjecting it into conversations.


"If it's small, we'll do it doggy style."

Yeah, I'm glad I can't remember why we said that, so that way I don't have to blog it. But still, it is sage advice, friends. Sage advice, indeed.


"If you're looking at it and you're scared, it's big."

Have you ever asked yourself "But how can I be SURE if this is representative of the word BIG??" Well, now you know.


"Oh, that should be the devil."

Used to describe something so awesome that it is, in fact, diabolical.


"Mine is younger. Only not cool. Yours is like, cool. But old."

Don't you just love that I can simplify almost anything, even relationships, with the verbiage of a very stoned person? That's cute, right? Only I don't think this is about an actual relationship. It's probably about our online stalkers (or minions, if I'm feeling generous in my descriptions). I should blog a list of my most memorable online stalkers.


"You're not EVIL, per se. You're like.... Diet Evil."

That's my favorite one. Diet Evil. We kill me.