ACK!

I've been having spider issues lately. I live in an old house, and it comes with the territory (or if you're southern, "terrah-tureh"). I'm not quite used to them, but I'm not as terrified as I once was. I really don't want to kill the spiders, but if they get all up in my bidness, then I squash'em. I suppose I'm more scared than I let on, because I keep having nightmares about them.

It started last year, I had this crazy nightmare about these big black & red spiders under my bed. It was so scary that I told my sister, who whipped out her dream dictionary and it turns out that all the things in my dream kept relating back to me wanting to dominate my sexual partners. Needless to say, I don't ask my sister what her dream dictionary says anymore. But, I keep having dreams about spiders crawling on me in bed. So either I'm in need of spanking someone wearing a ball gag in a bad way, or I'm still terrified that I'll wake up and a spider will be on my pillow. I think it's that last one, but if anyone wants to volunteer to see if the ball gag works, then you know... call me.

The other night I dreamed they were lowering down on me from the ceiling, and I woke up SWINGING (my cat o' nine tails).

Okay, so the spiders don't just show up in my waking life in my bed or shower. They also show up in my car. I don't know if there is a secret nest of them (oh god... so scared...) in my car window or what, but there has been more than one occasion where I rolled down my window and a little wee spider has dropped down. Normally it's been no big deal, but the other night was kind of a different story.

I was in Wendy's drive-thru, and I roll down my window as I'm waiting on the car in front of me to order. I'm just chillin' there in my car when I notice something flittering around my bangs. I lean back a little, all "Is there a moth in my car?" and then I see it... a spider. Right as it falls on my leg below my knee. And then the car in front of me moves up. So there I am, frozen in terror, and I have to place my order.

I try to flick the spider, and it's like "Whoa lady, I'm happy right where I was." and it crawls back up my leg. It's about the size of a dime, legs so it's not like I can even feel it crawling on me through my jeans. (but I still felt it in the icy pit of despair forming in my stomach)

I drive up, and the lady is like "Can I take your order?" not knowing that I'm about to have the biggest come-apart that drive-thru has ever seen. I'm looking around my car for something to kill the spider with, and all I see beside me is an umbrella. Yeah, not gonna work. So I give her my order in this shakey voice while trying to shake my jeans leg. That spider was NOT HAVING IT. It was like "I'm sorry but I was told that the area right below your knee was prime real estate and I'm not going anywhere."

So my order comes out like:

Yeah.. um.. *wheeze* I uh... want one of those.. snack attACKS! with extra ch-CHEESE. And a baked potato.

Would you like anything to drink or -

NO!

Your order is blah blah blah

SHIT!

Then I drive around, put my car in park, open my car door (so I can get a really good swing) and proceed to beat the hell out of my leg with a phone book I found in the backseat of my car.

The spider tried to hang on, but it fell backwards waving it's little spider legs at me.

And it was so dark I couldn't find it. AND I LOOKED. Oh you bet your sweet unmarked ass I looked for that spider and I STILL cannot find it's corpse anywhere.

I think it's planning it's revenge. My car is at the garage, and as much as I like my mechanic, I hope he gets the brunt of the spider's vengeful rage.

Does that make me a bad person?

~